Feeling.....{fill in the blank}.

So yesterday, as usual G was complaining about going to church.  It's always the same sad song every. single. week.  He tells us he hates church, he hates the clothes he is wearing cause they are bad, he hates the car, he hates the people there, he hates people singing, he hates the chairs...the list goes on and on.  We hear this same thing week after week and it's really hard not to lose it because he sounds like a broken record, but I always have to remind myself that it's the Autism, not G.

Well, when we got home G was in a great mood!  I LOVE it when Autism takes a hike and we see G in all his happiness and all his awesome boy-ness.  G went so far as to not fight when asked to help sweep under the table before dinner, and he did it willingly!!  He was also beaming yesterday because with his Autism, his fine motor skills are pretty poor but he finally figured out how to snap on his Transformers head without any one's help!  He was seriously so proud of himself to the degree that Mr. D walked over and told him how proud he was of G and that he loved seeing G proud of himself.  Then Mr. D asked G, "do you know how I know you are proud of yourself?  It's because you get this gleam in your eye and I love to see that gleam".  G was on cloud 9 the rest of the day and our Sunday was so enjoyable!

Now, enter Monday:(  I hate Autism.  It sucked my G right back into it's grips today so I sit here questioning everything I'm doing.  Am I feeding him something he's not supposed to have?  Should I be rotating those foods too?  Should I consider a more strict diet?  Should I be giving him those certain vitamins?  Should I be giving him deep pressure right now?  Should I be making him draw to re-focus?  Should I allow his sisters to watch his ugly Autism moments or should I quickly shuffle them to the next room?

I could sit here all day listing off all my "Should I's" but what good would that do?  I have a child banging his head into the floor and throwing his prized toys and telling me non-sense because it's the only thing his head can think of to tell me in these heated moments.  I don't have time to go through a list.  I have to think fast in these moments and my decisions aren't always correct which really, really sucks!

Right here is where I started getting really down and deleted all of it.  I know life could be so much worse, I just get really down when I witness G being grabbed by Autism and not being able to get free once and for all.

I'm praying for today to take a much better turn right now because I can only take Autism for so long before I want to scream myself.  I want my G back.